Sunday, March 15, 2009
Catalyst of Spontaneous Combustion
by Yuli Flestado
Hi! This is one of my blog entries that i kept on reading over and over again whenever I just can't understand why people are so good on hurting others. May anyone who read this learn something.
I was in grade school when I had my first and last confession of sins to a priest. When given a chance to vent out, I always rationalize that to only God I will talk with.
To make my recollection extra special, I decided to do something new, and so I decided to talk to a priest and guess what, it was a great choice.
I, as what I’ve observed have this behavior of choosing not to express how I really feel, for some time now that I have that trait, I think I’m getting used to it which makes me so difficult to even try to show how I feel. When I am offended by someone, I don't confront. I am thinking that I should understand, but letting my self believe that I understand, I fail to protect my self from the pain it caused me. Now, when there's so much pain, there's so much anger in me. It files up, small thing on top of another then with another as it become massive. And when I can't control it, BOOM! Involuntarily, I tend to believe that this person who hurt me does not exist. I can delete her to my memory just like how powerful a NOOB killer can defeat a PC virus.
That would be one of my skeletons in my closet. I am ashamed to admit but that is what I am. I understand that it is unhealthy for me and for people around me. If you know me personally, I think you know to whom I am referring to. I’m glad we grow maturely, although friends turned strangers, the best part of it is that we're not enemies. Indeed, the so-then beautiful relationship that we had was too bad put into waste. I think it is better this way, than pretending that everything is alright and for both parties believing that there's nothing wrong. I do not regret of making the choice of breaking the bond, for now I realize this unhealthy behavior and she able to comprehend how she is. To look at it, it's a nasty situation, but in our case it's a win-win solution. The best part was, I was able to hug her and exchanged our sincere apologies.
Knowing that my strategy on dealing with people is not effective, it scares me because I’ve been using that defense mechanism towards someone I dearly love. I am afraid because when anger and pain files up and reach the limit, I know what happens. And I don't want that to happen because I love him. His blood runs into my veins, yet it’s more to that, he is the person who cares and loves me in all expense. I may not understand him some times, but I love him, my world would be turned upside down, I can't change who he is in my life, he is still my father and I love him.
As the priest suggested, I vent through prayers. I talk to God and pour out my anger. Through prayers I learn how to forgive and instead of pain, I am healed.
Are you in pain too? Try to talk spontaneously to God. He will hear you. He will heal you. Have faith. Keep the faith.
"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us"
P.S. Sorry God, I'm not visiting your house for quite some time. I hope you have an Internet access up there so you can read my blog. :)
NOTE: Photos were taken during my college retreat